Lonely at Five? Yes — Even Before They Have the Word.
Two kids. The first sits at the edge of the rug, builds next to the block group instead of with it, and spends recess orbiting — three feet from the game, never in the game, for the whole twenty minutes. The second pokes, blurts, and shoulders into the middle of things until somebody says stop, and then he’s back on the edge too. By week three, each of them has a label. She’s the quiet one — slow to warm, fine. He’s the handful. Neither label — “quiet” or “handful” — has room for the word that might fit them both better than anyone expects: lonely. A five-year-old can feel it in a room with twenty-two other kids — whether or not she has the word for it yet.
Can a child this young really be lonely?
Yes. In 1992, the research said loneliness could be reliably measured in kids from third to sixth grade. Psychologists Jude Cassidy and Steven Asher wanted to know about younger children, so they asked them. Four hundred forty kindergartners and first-graders answered questions about loneliness at school, and 46 were interviewed one-on-one about what the word means. Nearly all the children they interviewed understood what loneliness is, and even the youngest answered consistently enough to be measured reliably. Here’s their study.
So the gist: at five, the feeling is real. Nearly all the kids they interviewed already understood the word. But nearly all isn’t all — and a child who doesn’t have the word yet can’t tell you what she’s feeling. That’s where you come in.
One caveat: that study covered kindergarten and first grade, not preschool or second grade. And a later study of kindergartners found loneliness didn’t only go with being quiet — it also showed up alongside anxiety and aggression. That doesn’t mean the kid who shoves is secretly lonely. It means the lonely kid in your room isn’t always the quiet one.
When is it more than lonely?
If a child talks about wanting to die, hurting themselves, or being a burden — or seems sad, irritable, or no longer enjoys things, day after day — tell your school counselor today. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry says to take those words very seriously, and StopBullying.gov says to get help right away. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911; for a crisis, anyone can call or text 988. And if you ever suspect abuse or neglect, that’s a report you make yourself — teachers are mandated reporters under state law.
What actually helps
Give her the word first. The Child Mind Institute’s advice for younger kids is to teach what loneliness is before you ask about it. Psychologist Bethany Vibert suggests something like: “When I haven’t been around people for a while, sometimes I want to spend time with somebody. That means I’m feeling lonely.”
Then ask, in a quiet minute. Does that ever happen to you at school? If she doesn’t want to talk, don’t push — try again in a few days. (That patience is for the asking only, never for anything in the section above.) And if she can’t answer, that isn’t a no — Child Mind notes that very young children often don’t yet know how to explain what they’re feeling.
If she says yes, listen before you fix. Reflect it back — “It sounds like you’re having a hard time” — and hold the buddy-bench speech. What she says next (nobody picks me, I don’t know how to get in, I miss my old school) is information you didn’t have. Child Mind’s other guardrail: don’t overreact with too much sympathy, which can make a child feel worse.
Believe the answer, and write it down. A five-year-old’s yes is real information. Note the date and what she said, and take it to your school counselor.
Where the Krewelings come in
On the wall and in the deck there’s a monkey called Mirren, and Mirren’s feeling is lonely. A child who doesn’t own the word yet can still point: I feel like Mirren today. That’s the whole job of the character — to give the feeling a name and a face before the child has the word for it.
It’s okay to feel what you feel — lonely included, at five.
Read next: They Heard You. They Just Weren’t Here. — the kid whose body is in the room before the rest of them. And to help a child find the Krewe member who fits today, take the quiz.
When to call someone (information from groups like the AAP, CDC, and 988 Lifeline — not medical advice): If a child is in danger right now, or it’s a life-threatening situation, call 911. If a child talks about wanting to die, or talks about or does things to hurt themselves on purpose, call or text 988. If a child is hurting other people, tantrums are coming more often, getting more intense, or lasting longer, or worries or fears get in the way of everyday life, talk to your child’s doctor — or, for teachers, your school counselor. These aren’t the only signs: see more warning signs, and who to call — including if you think a child is being abused or neglected — on our When to Call Someone page.
